Chaos.

You tell me you’re willing to give up an opportunity of a lifetime to try to give us another shot, to right your wrongs, to earn my trust again. I should be happy..

You’re sitting on the sofa with your head hanging low. I’m pacing the floor. Funny how a moment ago we were in the opposite position; with me on the sofa, head on knees and you were the one pacing. The sky is gray, like the sweater your wearing. Rufus Wainwright and Sigur Ros songs are playing in the background; but for once neither of us is listening.

I pace because I don’t know what else to do with my body, my limbs. I don’t want to stop and see your face. See the sadness in your eyes. The sadness that I caused. I pace because I don’t want you to know how fragile I am. How easily it actually is to sway me. That all you’d have to do is hold me and I’d take back my decision. The decision that neither of us want, but is what we need.

I have to appear firm with this decision, or else we’d be doomed.

You look away at the balcony, face unreadable and looking at nothing in particular. What are you thinking about? What are you feeling? I can assume, but won’t you just tell me your thoughts my love?

I glance at you. I have a million and one thoughts running through my head and a number of emotions coursing through my body; making me feel ill. Hurting you like this hurts me. Hurts me more than I thought it would.

This silence is heartbreaking.

It wasn’t silent earlier. Earlier we were arguing. It was messy with the sound of our raised voices and music and the sounds of the TV show neither of us were watching. I was telling you about what was going to happen. You were saying it didn’t have to be like this. That there was another way. I was telling you not to be stupid. That sacrificing your future for me wasn’t worth the risk. I told you that you knew this was coming for a while now. You ask me if this past few weeks haven’t been good, that we’d been good together. I look away and say it has; that’s why this is so much more harder to do.

But please, we both knew this was coming eventually. Don’t sit there and expect me to believe that you thought this sense of euphoria, this happiness would last. It’s been so long since we’ve held each other, and laughed at each other and did all those silly things we used to. You were so far away and now your not. It’s been so long, that we decided to ignore the elephant in the room, the cloud that was rolling in, at least for awhile. That’s why we did it. Because, just for a little while, we wanted things to be happy and how they used to be. We both know why. We wanted to enjoy each other before we said goodbye.

We knew it would make things harder in the end, but we didn’t care. I wasn’t thinking about the repercussions of taking that ring and wearing it, of playing tag with you, of letting you hold my hand, letting you kiss me, letting sweep me off my feet all over again. I knew better, but I didn’t care. I regretted it when nightfall came, when I was alone with my thoughts. But that regret was brief. Now I think it will never leave me.

I’m sorry for so many things. I’m sorry I used you. I’m sorry I let things just stay stagnant where there were. I’m sorry I was a big part of why we never moved on when we said we would. I’m sorry I took the ring, gave you hope that we would be okay. I’m sorry it took me this long to let us go, to realise what was right and doing it. I’m sorry what’s right fucking hurts. I’m sorry I have to hurt you this way baby. I’m sorry I’m the bad guy. I’m sorry I’m following my head and what’s rational, instead of following my heart like you do.

But you wear your heart on your sleeve for me. I’m still trying to figure out how to show mine to you.

I can’t take this anymore. I hate seeing you this dejected. I want to hold you, tell you everything is going to be alright. Take back what I’ve just said, the decision I’ve just made. But that’s what got us in this mess in the first place didn’t it. You have no clue the power you have over me. The sway you have. I can’t trust myself around you; around you all my inhibitions fade away which isn’t always a good thing. With you, my steadfast spirit floats away like wisps of smoke.

I stop pacing. I look at you sitting there, head hanging low. I hold on to myself. To stop myself from shaking, from falling apart; maybe I’m trying to keep my decision from breaking apart too. Your hair is long and messy. You kept it that way cause you know I like it like that way. You take off your glasses and put them back on. You look up again, looking at everything and nothing in particular. Not looking at me. I feel my throat getting tight. Shit, I’m such a fool aren’t I. I walk over to you and get down on my knees so I can look up at your face. I push my body between your legs and take your face in my hands. I smile sadly up at you. I hate seeing you this sad. I hate making you this sad. I stroke your hair and say “Maybe there’s another way…”

so much for moving on.