I came to a horrible realisation yesterday. I realised she is my kryptonite. But unlike a rare stone that only appears before me sometimes, she is something I cannot run away from. She is my connection of that which are dearest to me. Avoiding her means losing them. That is why time and time again I come back. I sometimes have to remind myself never to expect a good day after spending a little of it with Her. Whenever I am around Her, I feel myself get drained because it's draining to use, to feel so many emotions at once. Fear, Regret, ANGER, Hopelessness, LOVE, Annoyance, Disbelief. She always has a way of making me feel so useless, so horrible. Like I should have never been born. Like I am such a bother. Nothing I ever do is good enough, nothing I ever do can compare to Them. All the confidence I spent 5 years building and getting used to suddenly gets scared and decides to run away and hide behind a rock, leaving me exposed to receive the blows. When Confidence returns, I'm too far gone that It can't mend me, It can just mask the ugly scars, make everything picture perfect again. At least till the next time I see her. I realised for the first time yesterday, that I'm being bullied. By Her. But I can't afford a fight where I can lose things that are so precious to me. I don't Hate her. I can't do that because of who she is in my life. But sometimes I'm not sure if I love her. I don't know how I feel for her anymore. Friends say I should get the hell away, that they hate her for what she does, but it's not so simple. I wish it was.
Confidence, Simple Love, Please come back soon. She's gone for now.
And now this. I know your going through problems. But you need to TELL me about it rather than taking it out on me. I refuse to be an emotional punching bag again, not again. Not even for YOU. I can't believe I've put up with this. Where did fighter cock stubborn Pauline go? I told myself I will never be that kind of girl. The kind of girl that would put up with this kind of nonsense. I would be the Independent, modern girl. Heh, so much for that.
Who am I to tell other's that they are in an unhealthy relationship when I myself am in several?
I'm sorry Jilly.
Too many secrets are coming out and it's starting to scare me. They say it's a good thing, means I'm learning to trust the people around me more. But I don't feel that way. I don't feel happy about it, I feel daunting, like it's come back to haunt me, that They will use it against me.
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