I came to a horrible realisation yesterday. I realised she is my kryptonite. But unlike a rare stone that only appears before me sometimes, she is something I cannot run away from. She is my connection of that which are dearest to me. Avoiding her means losing them. That is why time and time again I come back. I sometimes have to remind myself never to expect a good day after spending a little of it with Her. Whenever I am around Her, I feel myself get drained because it's draining to use, to feel so many emotions at once. Fear, Regret, ANGER, Hopelessness, LOVE, Annoyance, Disbelief. She always has a way of making me feel so useless, so horrible. Like I should have never been born. Like I am such a bother. Nothing I ever do is good enough, nothing I ever do can compare to Them. All the confidence I spent 5 years building and getting used to suddenly gets scared and decides to run away and hide behind a rock, leaving me exposed to receive the blows. When Confidence returns, I'm too far gone that It can't mend me, It can just mask the ugly scars, make everything picture perfect again. At least till the next time I see her. I realised for the first time yesterday, that I'm being bullied. By Her. But I can't afford a fight where I can lose things that are so precious to me. I don't Hate her. I can't do that because of who she is in my life. But sometimes I'm not sure if I love her. I don't know how I feel for her anymore. Friends say I should get the hell away, that they hate her for what she does, but it's not so simple. I wish it was.

Confidence, Simple Love, Please come back soon. She's gone for now.

And now this. I know your going through problems. But you need to TELL me about it rather than taking it out on me. I refuse to be an emotional punching bag again, not again. Not even for YOU. I can't believe I've put up with this. Where did fighter cock stubborn Pauline go? I told myself I will never be that kind of girl. The kind of girl that would put up with this kind of nonsense. I would be the Independent, modern girl. Heh, so much for that.

Who am I to tell other's that they are in an unhealthy relationship when I myself am in several?
I'm sorry Jilly.

Too many secrets are coming out and it's starting to scare me. They say it's a good thing, means I'm learning to trust the people around me more. But I don't feel that way. I don't feel happy about it, I feel daunting, like it's come back to haunt me, that They will use it against me.

Adel To The Rescue!

I love it when it seems your life is shit, and bad things/drama/problems seem to be sexually attracted to you, and your beginning to think what a bitter day it is, then something creeps up and pleasantly surprises you and that thing, no matter how small or simple, makes your entire day not so shitty.

Example? Last week I woke up to one drama after another. By ten a.m I felt so overloaded on drama I wanted to curl up and go back to sleep. I woke up at 8 a.m By evening I was dead, gone and complaining what a bitter day it was and heading out to meet Michelle and Ramesh. I open my door and outside my door was a bag with my name on it filled with homemade cookies, Hershey's kisses and mandarin oranges. There was a note that said:

"To The Sweetest Little Girl Who Deserves Some Sweetness In Her Life Right Now"


P.S. Hope you like this little surprise.


AWWW!! I had no idea who sent it(till a few days later)but it just made my day! I got into the car giggling the odds and went to sleep with a smile on my face.


Anywho, some of the stuff that's been happening. My dad's car who I call my baby cause I sayang that thing got hit. Daddy-kins was fine, just limping slightly but my baby's hood have a 'V' shape and one headlight was smashed up good. Its the other dude's fault so all's good. Daddy-kins went to Sabah over the weekend so I had some awesome, much needed alone time. Saturday the 'family' went to Christin's place for her open house and it was quite the fun after some minor awkwardness. took pictures(below) and just hung out being silly as we are and it was fun to let loose cause I've been busy playing nurse this whole week and was majorly sleep deprived(Aid got beaten up and his back got slashed and infected and kept bleeding out. Nasty stuff, to wake up to realise your covered in your friends blood)

Then on Sunday Ramesh and I went to Michelle's aunt's steamboat/bbq which was divine! Food was good(I was THIS close to msg-ing Adel to gloat!)the company was awesome and some good 'developments' were made.(Aunty Michelle said pass yay!) Although somewhere near the night the I got some news(more drama) that sucked, but that was long forgotten when I went to see the boys at Rock Cafe. We were just hanging and managed to get some 'provocative' pictures of Ramesh and problems were long forgotten for the time being.


Today Michelle got into her 1st ever accident and since she's a 'P' she didn't want to go to the police and this arsehole of a man was trying to peras ugut her saying his damage cost 400 bucks which was total bull. It was actually both their faults and her car was worse than his but this mister decided to be a bully and Chelle was panicking so I called Adel to come and talk to the man but in the end the guy was a fucker and Chelle was fed up so we paid the guy and we were both having a fucked day. To add to it, I went home to find out my camera was missing. I was freaking and Adel comes to the rescue again by teman-ing me to Rock Cafe to see if it was there. IT WAS!!! Omg I was so happy my precious baby was safe! Chelle and I were squealing on the phone going mad in Adel's mosquito nest car. But on a serious note, as much as I hate to admit it (haha) Adel really pulled through for us today thank you so much Adel Ishak my nephew dearest for putting up with us and helping us out SOOO much I owe you dinner like seriously!(But I only have 17 bucks in my account right now from paying the motherfucker so sabar ya sayang?) Oh and kudos babe on surviving your 1st accident and surviving from your dad after!


Ironic(and somewhat irritating) how the person your trying to avoid is the one person you can't seem to run away from suddenly and that's the person that ends up coming to your rescue, sometimes in more ways than one.

A potentially crappy day turned out not so crappy cause of small pleasant surprises. I thank God for them cause if it wasn't for these simple pleasures I'd be dying under the load of everything that's happening.

Haha I like this shot!

The 'families' BUTT pose!

Say Dragon Dance!

Our Hero For The Day!