I came to a horrible realisation yesterday. I realised she is my kryptonite. But unlike a rare stone that only appears before me sometimes, she is something I cannot run away from. She is my connection of that which are dearest to me. Avoiding her means losing them. That is why time and time again I come back. I sometimes have to remind myself never to expect a good day after spending a little of it with Her. Whenever I am around Her, I feel myself get drained because it's draining to use, to feel so many emotions at once. Fear, Regret, ANGER, Hopelessness, LOVE, Annoyance, Disbelief. She always has a way of making me feel so useless, so horrible. Like I should have never been born. Like I am such a bother. Nothing I ever do is good enough, nothing I ever do can compare to Them. All the confidence I spent 5 years building and getting used to suddenly gets scared and decides to run away and hide behind a rock, leaving me exposed to receive the blows. When Confidence returns, I'm too far gone that It can't mend me, It can just mask the ugly scars, make everything picture perfect again. At least till the next time I see her. I realised for the first time yesterday, that I'm being bullied. By Her. But I can't afford a fight where I can lose things that are so precious to me. I don't Hate her. I can't do that because of who she is in my life. But sometimes I'm not sure if I love her. I don't know how I feel for her anymore. Friends say I should get the hell away, that they hate her for what she does, but it's not so simple. I wish it was.

Confidence, Simple Love, Please come back soon. She's gone for now.

And now this. I know your going through problems. But you need to TELL me about it rather than taking it out on me. I refuse to be an emotional punching bag again, not again. Not even for YOU. I can't believe I've put up with this. Where did fighter cock stubborn Pauline go? I told myself I will never be that kind of girl. The kind of girl that would put up with this kind of nonsense. I would be the Independent, modern girl. Heh, so much for that.

Who am I to tell other's that they are in an unhealthy relationship when I myself am in several?
I'm sorry Jilly.

Too many secrets are coming out and it's starting to scare me. They say it's a good thing, means I'm learning to trust the people around me more. But I don't feel that way. I don't feel happy about it, I feel daunting, like it's come back to haunt me, that They will use it against me.

Adel To The Rescue!

I love it when it seems your life is shit, and bad things/drama/problems seem to be sexually attracted to you, and your beginning to think what a bitter day it is, then something creeps up and pleasantly surprises you and that thing, no matter how small or simple, makes your entire day not so shitty.

Example? Last week I woke up to one drama after another. By ten a.m I felt so overloaded on drama I wanted to curl up and go back to sleep. I woke up at 8 a.m By evening I was dead, gone and complaining what a bitter day it was and heading out to meet Michelle and Ramesh. I open my door and outside my door was a bag with my name on it filled with homemade cookies, Hershey's kisses and mandarin oranges. There was a note that said:

"To The Sweetest Little Girl Who Deserves Some Sweetness In Her Life Right Now"


P.S. Hope you like this little surprise.


AWWW!! I had no idea who sent it(till a few days later)but it just made my day! I got into the car giggling the odds and went to sleep with a smile on my face.


Anywho, some of the stuff that's been happening. My dad's car who I call my baby cause I sayang that thing got hit. Daddy-kins was fine, just limping slightly but my baby's hood have a 'V' shape and one headlight was smashed up good. Its the other dude's fault so all's good. Daddy-kins went to Sabah over the weekend so I had some awesome, much needed alone time. Saturday the 'family' went to Christin's place for her open house and it was quite the fun after some minor awkwardness. took pictures(below) and just hung out being silly as we are and it was fun to let loose cause I've been busy playing nurse this whole week and was majorly sleep deprived(Aid got beaten up and his back got slashed and infected and kept bleeding out. Nasty stuff, to wake up to realise your covered in your friends blood)

Then on Sunday Ramesh and I went to Michelle's aunt's steamboat/bbq which was divine! Food was good(I was THIS close to msg-ing Adel to gloat!)the company was awesome and some good 'developments' were made.(Aunty Michelle said pass yay!) Although somewhere near the night the I got some news(more drama) that sucked, but that was long forgotten when I went to see the boys at Rock Cafe. We were just hanging and managed to get some 'provocative' pictures of Ramesh and problems were long forgotten for the time being.


Today Michelle got into her 1st ever accident and since she's a 'P' she didn't want to go to the police and this arsehole of a man was trying to peras ugut her saying his damage cost 400 bucks which was total bull. It was actually both their faults and her car was worse than his but this mister decided to be a bully and Chelle was panicking so I called Adel to come and talk to the man but in the end the guy was a fucker and Chelle was fed up so we paid the guy and we were both having a fucked day. To add to it, I went home to find out my camera was missing. I was freaking and Adel comes to the rescue again by teman-ing me to Rock Cafe to see if it was there. IT WAS!!! Omg I was so happy my precious baby was safe! Chelle and I were squealing on the phone going mad in Adel's mosquito nest car. But on a serious note, as much as I hate to admit it (haha) Adel really pulled through for us today thank you so much Adel Ishak my nephew dearest for putting up with us and helping us out SOOO much I owe you dinner like seriously!(But I only have 17 bucks in my account right now from paying the motherfucker so sabar ya sayang?) Oh and kudos babe on surviving your 1st accident and surviving from your dad after!


Ironic(and somewhat irritating) how the person your trying to avoid is the one person you can't seem to run away from suddenly and that's the person that ends up coming to your rescue, sometimes in more ways than one.

A potentially crappy day turned out not so crappy cause of small pleasant surprises. I thank God for them cause if it wasn't for these simple pleasures I'd be dying under the load of everything that's happening.

Haha I like this shot!

The 'families' BUTT pose!

Say Dragon Dance!

Our Hero For The Day!

Continuation of THIS STORY.

They would have been happy. They would go out on a date. She would be under dressed and he would be overdressed. They would laugh about it and go watch a movie. Then they would go eat dinner in a quiet restaurant and end up talking till they lost track of time. He would pay the bill and it would start to rain. He wouldn't have an umbrella in his car. He would be so worried about her getting soaked and falling sick. But she would laugh, grab his hand and run into the rain. They would play tag, chasing each other in the rain. They would enjoy themselves, not caring about what other thought when they saw them. She would hug him because he was warm, he was comfort, he was hope. He would hug her because she fit, she was free unlike he was, she was lovely. They would be free of their entrapment's, because they willed it so. He would kiss her forehead and run his fingers through her hair. They would head back to the car and he would send her home. They would sit in his car awhile, eating the chocolates he gave her cause he knew they were her favourite. She would kiss him and everything would change. Best friends would finally become lovers. He would finally realise that the girl that made his world stop turning was right beside him all along. He would realise that he was chasing a phantom before this, someone who would never truly love him the way she did. He would finally have someone who made him happy, sitting in his car. They would go home and smile to themselves, thinking of each other. They would wake up and meet at school, and everyone would know they were together. They would hold hands and smile and be happy. They would go home together and go on another date that night. They would start a brand new adventure together. They would love each other. She would make him happy, so happy. Best friends in love, they would have been happy together...

ALL THIS IF HE HAD TURNED AROUND.

Point Of View

Happy new years people. You know what sucks? After hanging out with my 'family' from my college course almost every night since last sem, I still introduce them as my 'college mates.' Not friends, not family, college mates. Don't get me wrong I adore them, their extremely fun and have been awesome to me. I just don't trust them yet. I mean, obviously I do to a certain extent but it hasn't reached the point where I can let my guard down around them.I know they trust me, but I don't. Very mean of me I know but I can't help it. It's just the way it is, the way I am I guess. I doubt they've noticed it and here's hoping they don't. Everything in due time I guess. Anywho, in other news college has restarted and so far so good.

(But there ARE the few exceptions. But you'd be shocked who.)

Anywho, yesterday I was waiting on Ramesh to pick me up for our steamboat session and he was late as usual. So I was channel surfing and stumbled pleasantly on ntv7's new show called 'Point Of View' It was actually pretty interesting. It basically takes an issue and addresses it. It's good cause you get to hear BOTH sides of the story, both opinions. Anyways, yesterday's topic was on how Mukhriz something something(Sorry, tak ingat) suggested that vernacular schools be abolished and correct me if I'm wrong but he got put into ISA(which is another issue all together but let's not get into that one shall we?) So they invited one guy who was from an organisation that supports vernacular school's and he made some interesting points. But he was lackluster. He got cut off by the host plenty of times and his opinions lacked the conviction it needed for us to listen and pay attention to what he had to say. The only thing that really stuck in my head was what he said in the end when the host asked whether he thinks Mukhriz deserved getting out into ISA for saying what he did. He said "I may be against what he said, but that doesn't mean I want him there. I'm personally against ISA but that's another matter"

Then there was the other guy(okay so I suck with names) who if I'm not mistaken is a lecturer in UM who was for the idea of having one kind of national school. He was awesome. He got his point across in a steadfast yet laid back manner. He even banged the host a few times implying she didn't really know what she was talking about. He was saying how Chinese schools are better in maths and science but so what cause at the end of the day it's just vomiting out what they memorised. It doesn't make them smart, it makes them good at memorising facts and that ain't gonna help if they want a spot in Harvard or MIT. He also gave a point that I agree with but not alot of people seem to notice. Which is, kids from Chinese schools have a very hard time adapting cause Chinese becomes their 1st language and English is second. And we have to face facts, English is the language of the world. And it's true la, take my class alone for example, you have those Chinese school ones who are having such a hard time coping and they also tend to congregate among themselves. He also said that you shouldn't stereotype Chinese and Indians as well cause you can't force a Malayalam child to learn Tamil now can you? If you say a one national school system is taking away that right, isn't this the same thing? And it's not like they won't still be learning Chinese or Tamil. That's what Wawasan schools are about. He quoted someone which stated that if you want to make change in the country, it starts within the schools(or something along those lines)

To or for the idea, what say you? Anywho, I just think this show is damn interesting and you guys should check it out. It's on NTV7 at 8.30 on Fridays. Expand you mind sikit.


Happy Chinese New Year Peeps!`

Decisions Decisions..

I just realised my last two post were very very emo. (probably why no one reads your blog, cause they don't want to start slicing themselves or lactating) So I'll keep it simple and tell you(whoever 'you' are) about what's been going on.

First off, those of you who know me personally knows I have this fascination for vampires(And now all of you do!) But that doesn't mean I want to look like one. See, one of my canines, or 'The Fang' as I fondly call it, juts out a little and it has made me feel very bad about my smile. I went to the dentist a while ago and asked him about it and he says I would have to wear braces. BRACES!! Now, I'm about to go into shallow blond bimbo mode here so please excuse me. Wtf braces for 2 years! That's my whole diploma course right there! How la, bf coming back I don't him to find out what metal taste like! I admit I'm somewhat of a nerd but I don't want to look like one!(some ppl can make grills work, I'm not one of those ppl trust me) Corey said my smile is fine and unless I'm a perfectionist I shouldn't get it done but the thing is.. I AM a perfectionist! Most have said that I shouldn't waste time, effort, money and pain on just one tooth but I reap benefits later on right? Don't know la, I really need to weight my options carefully. What you guys think? Braces = Yes? No?

Oh, I'm getting rm10,000 of tax payers money thanks to one very freaky incident that involves violence, shisha, the worst limau ice ever, bribery, alot of cursing(in English and Malay) molestation and chocolate brownies.

I cut my hair!(pictures below) The length I had it at before this was probably the longest I've ever had it and it became somewhat of a security blanket cause of the mark the blob's baby left behind and I miss seeing my hair spill over my boobs but blob's baby mark is slowly fading so I figured why not. The ends are all blunt and straight which I kind of like hehe. Another choice I have to make: Do I re-bleach my highlight(cause its grown out quite a bit) or just leave it and colour over the existing one?

Max is home! Finally! He came home a day before my finals and when I trying to read my notes in the car and ignoring him, he stopped the car, grabbed my notes, threw them into the boot and said I would only get them back after we go out and celebrate his great return. We came back at 10pm and I was too exhausted to study properly but thank God the exam was alright. He gifts consisted of 2 boxes. In the big box, there was a dress, necklaces, bracelets, little things here and there(he said if he saw something that reminded him of me he just got it awww!) and enough chocolate and candy that would probably be every sweet tooth's wet dream. I eyed the other box and asked what was in it but he said that was extra special. Inside the box(among other things) were a pair of furry handcuffs that he got from a porn shop.

I stared at them while he grinned widely and said

"For you to use on Ryan."

Upon remembering that Senpai isn't here, he said,

"Darn! No worries you can use them on me in the meantime."

Lines like that can only come from his mouth. He also got me an assortment of flavoured, glow in the dark and printed condoms, a whip(the one thing I actually find kind of cool) edible underwear, some edible lubricant thingy and a key chain sized vibrator. He actually admitted feeling dumb buying this stuff for a virgin but according to him "Hey! you never know when your gonna need them, might as well be prepared what." Sigh.. Welcome home Max.

Caleb told me to blog about how incredible and awesome and hot he is but I told him I couldn't deceive my readers. But do not fret, for he is not completely hopeless. He happens to be quite the charming and easy to approach, once you get passed that stench of pessimism he has wafting from his being. He might sleep during church service but hey at least his honest about it. I adore his sarcasm cause it's witty, something which is SEVERELY lacking in the sarcasm of Malaysian youths. He has the whole emo geek look going on but he hates emo's. His one of the very few that I know that know who Shiny Toy Guns are. His mission in life(or so I gather) is to marry Hebe, the H in S.H.E. Don't let the blurness fool you, there's actually alot of kepintaran and kesabaran under all that hair. He actually manage to layan and take care of me while I was extremely ku-ku at the farewell pot bless we had for Pastor John. Why so hyper? After not sleeping for 24 hours and running up and down cause of my presentation who WOULDN'T be that ku-ku? But anyone who can do that has PLENTY of patience in my book. So yea, his a pretty good guy although humble he is not lol. Happy with you review Caleb? He just asked me to hang with him and his 2 Swedish friends that are coming down(Please Lord, let them be hunks and not look as geeky as Caleb does pleaseandthankyoumuaxs!) Haha don't worry Caleb, I'll still hang with you guys even if they DO look like you, I'm not that shallow unlike someone who'll laugh at me if I get braces. Grr.

Very sorry for the full-of-myself, highly bimbo-fied post. Take care's!

Blunt and straight.

What's left of my highlight.